The Matthew Henderson-Hau guide to trashing hotels.

What with all the fart-arsing around I did in Melbs, I haven't had time to shave my nut-sack. As I hopped into the shower this morning I gave my pubic region a quick glance.

It looked like Chewbacca after a fight. Soon fixed that up.

Most of you know I had a few issues with my hotel in Melbourne and that I took a few steps to leave my mark upon the place. It seems I can't stay in any overnight accommodation without doing something evil to the carpet, the bathroom or the bedroom curtains. So here, dear readers is my guide to trashing hotel rooms.

Firstly, you gotta get the whole "Keith Richards TV out the window", Rock Star type trashing. The sort of shit I do is much more subtle and undetectable at least for a few days. It's also much more expensive to clean up and much more damaging to the proprietor seen as they usually cannot use a room I've just vacated - not until the fumigators have finished anyway.

1) Take a dump in a brown paper bag and squash it flat. Hide a few of these under the bed, behind paintings and under the fridge. In a few days time they'll know about it

2) Empty out the ice-cube tray and refill it with piss. Re-freeze it.

3) Piss on the carpet.

4) Empty all teabags and coffee sachets into the bed.

5) Put a condom on the door handle.

6) Piss in the flower vase.

7) Piss in the kettle.

8) Basically piss everywhere except IN the dunny bowl.

9) Fill the bathtub to the brim then drop the bedside clock radio into the tub, remembering to unplug it first.

10) Make your own bath stew; load it up with towels, Maccas leftovers, milk, the Gideon’s if you're REALLY feeling evil and leave it to brew for a day or so prior to your leaving. Remember to put the "Don't clean my room" sign on your door.

11) Hide food scraps and unwashed cereal bowls in not so obvious places like the dryer, under the bed covers, the washing machine, the drying closet and the mini bar.

12) Empty out the Scotch, Bourbon and Brandy mini bottles and replace them with piss. Drink a Berocca before hand to ensure colour consistency.

13) NEVER wipe your feet.

14) Upon leaving, put a turd in the microwave and/or the dryer and cook em up. The stench is kinda instantaneous so you gotta check the fuck outa there pretty quick.

15) Deny everything.

M.
posted by Darp @ 5:15 PM, Monday, May 31st, 2004

Matthew Henderson-Hau and his "wedding tackle"

Matthew also seems to enjoy displaying/fondling his genitals in public.





Actually, would you call a gay man's genitalia "wedding tackle"? perhaps "poo poker" would be more accurate.

Matthew Henderson-Hau of Eastwood, Sydney and his "beards"

In the context of homosexuality, a "beard" is a female companion who is always seen with a gay male to cover the fact that he is a raging fag.  Matthew always seems to get himself photographed with women, but there is a darker side to Matthew.